Online Marriage Counseling Free

A lot of couples who are experiencing marriage problems may desperately seek alternative ways to get “professional” help, such as online marriage counseling, whenever the money is tight.  Free of charge marriage counseling is very attractive and appealing, but there are many things which should be considered before relying on the vast number of resources you can find online to help your failing marriage and relationship. 

When it comes to online marriage counseling, free services ranging from “e-courses” to actual direct email interaction with a therapist may be available depending on the resource.  And like anything online, the quality of what you are getting for free (or even for a price) can vary greatly.   But if you approach it as a resource similar to purchasing a book on the topic of helping you with marriage problems, then there can be some benefit to be gained. 

So let’s look a little further at what you may find in terms of online marriage counseling.  Free e-courses, as mentioned above, are often available from various resources.   Usually you just sign up for these and they are delivered to your email box.  Most of these will be delivered to your email over a period of time.  For example, you may receive one “lesson” every few days.  This gives you time to digest the information rather than read through the entire course in one sitting.  Depending on who wrote them, they may contain some very helpful information and exercises which you can apply to your particular situation.  Again, this is similar to using a book as a help guide.

Some sites also offer complete eBooks which you can download to your computer as soon as you sign up.  Similar to e-courses, some of these can also give you some good information.  Don’t expect them to be as comprehensive or thorough as a book you would purchase at a bookstore.  The nature of eBooks is that they are relatively short, usually anywhere from 30 to 100 pages with large font.  Ebooks and e-courses are often a primary part of any online marriage counseling.  Free resources such as these may be better than nothing when finances are tight. 

Where things start to get questionable, in terms of ethics, competence and confidentiality are when individuals or companies claim to offer actual “therapy” via email.  With the rapidly growing popularity of the Internet as a primary resource for just about everything, it is no surprise that you can find actual online marriage counseling.  Free email interaction with a therapist or counselor is offered by some online sources.

Email, by its very nature, has limited confidentiality.  And it may be difficult to verify whether or not the therapist is truly competent or is even actually trained or licensed.  This is where you really need to be wary.  Also, before you engage in any actual free counseling or therapy via the internet, be sure to do your due diligence to determine if the person has the appropriate credentials and qualifications to be helping you. 

These are just a few things to consider if you feel you and your spouse need professional help for your marriage and you are considering online marriage counseling.  Free services may be very appealing, but you may not be getting what you think.  Use it with caution, if at all.  The e-courses and eBooks may have some good food for thought, but if your marriage is in a serious crisis, it is better to find a way to see a local therapist with whom you can interact face to face as you work through the issues in your marriage. 


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Find Marriage Counselor

It is very uncommon to find married couple who doesn’t experience some crisis or turmoil in their relationship. In case your marriage is going through a challenging time, know that you are surely and definitely not alone.  Think about it. Think, whether or not it is time to find marriage counselor in order to help you resolving your marriage problems and find solutions before things get any worse.  A lot of couples do seek out professional help because trying to navigate the emotional ups and downs on their own can feel too difficult,  overwhelming or really cumbersome. 

So how do you decide if it is time to find marriage counselor to help your struggling marriage?  Following are some things to consider as to when, as well as how to go about finding the right one for you.

First, if you and your spouse have good communication and have a history of being able to eventually work things out, you may be able to do so again with out the help of therapy.  Being able to talk things through without attacking, blaming, or getting overly emotional is a great skill.  If this is the case, you may not need to find marriage counselor.  Unfortunately though, many couples lack that skill.  As they attempt to discuss and work on the issues affecting their marriage, they end up making things worse.  Hurtful words can be very difficult to forget once said. 

One of the primary goals of marriage therapy is to facilitate open and productive communication.  Learning to talk to each other in a manner which is calm, respectful and beneficial to the relationship can make a significant difference in terms of whether or not you are able to get past the current challenges.  If the ability to communicate well is clearly lacking in your marriage, especially despite your best efforts, then it is definitely time to find marriage counselor who can help you.  

Second, if part of your marital problems are due to one (or both) of you having a mental health issue, such as depression, or if either one of you has an addiction, such as gambling or alcohol, working through your issues alone is not likely to be successful.  This is definitely a situation in which you should find marriage counselor to not only work with you, but to help you both understand the impact of the mental health issue or the addiction.  Also, the counselor can make treatment recommendations for the spouse with that additional issue. 

Third, if after much effort you and your spouse have continued to remain stuck in whatever problems have been afflicting your marriage, it is time to find marriage counselor to help you get unstuck.  Sometimes when we are in an emotionally charged situation it is very difficult if not impossible to maintain any type of perspective or objectivity.  A good marriage counselor can help you do this, which will in turn help you begin to make process rather than continue to stay stuck. 

Last of all, if your relationship has become extremely emotionally volatile, it is unlikely you are going to make progress on your own.  In fact, the situation will likely escalate until it completely tears your apart.  This is definitely another indicator that to find marriage counselor is one of the best things you can do if you hope to keep your marriage intact and learn ways to manage the extreme emotions one or both of you are battling. 

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Marriage and Family Counseling

In case you are having some difficulties or problems in your marriage, or perhaps your family is in crisis, marriage and family counseling can be very helpful and beneficial.  While it may at the beginning seem a bit unpleasant and uncomfortable to discuss your marital problems with a total stranger, if you find a therapist which is a good fit and is good at what he or she does, you will very likely be glad you decided to make the investment. 

Keep in mind, though, that for marriage and family counseling to be helpful, you have to be willing to make some changes in your life.  It won’t be helpful if you merely use it as a place to vent or if you expect the therapist to do all of the work for you.  Nor will it be helpful unless you each take responsibility for your contribution to the problem or issue at hand, because rarely is a problem entirely due to one person. 

Following are some of the many ways in which marriage and family counseling can help, if you are ready and willing to do some work.   

Improve communication

Poor communication or lack of communication is often at the core of most marital problems, as well as family problems.  We all grew up learning ways to communicate, but we didn’t necessarily learn to do it effectively.  When things are going well, talking is easy.  But the true test of good communication is when there is conflict. 

In marriage and family counseling, the therapist can help you find ways to communicate better with each other.  This not only includes learning how to better express things such as needs, wants, or concerns, but also how to better listen to each other.  Conflict is normal whenever two or more people live in the same household. 

Unfortunately a lot of couples and families do not handle conflict well, and even relatively minor problems can quickly escalate. As a result they become seemingly insurmountable issues when communication completely breaks down or becomes hostile.  Improving communication is the core of dealing effectively with all other issues. 

Learn to choose your battles

Marriage and family counseling can also really help you learn to choose your battles.  Life is going to be full of stressful and irritating things.  That’s normal.  But where many couples and families get into trouble is when they let everything become a huge ordeal.  A good therapist can help you determine what the real issues are, while helping your learn to recognize which ones really aren’t a big deal.  Learning this will go a long way towards a more peaceful home environment.  

Create new patterns of interaction

As humans, we are creatures of habit.  As a result we get into patterns of interacting with our spouse and family members which can be unhealthy.  At times, they can even be destructive and hurtful.  Sometimes we don’t even realize the damage we are doing until someone objective, such as a therapist, points it out. 

Marriage and family counseling is geared towards creating new and healthier ways of interacting with each other.  As the saying goes, if you keep doing the same thing you will keep getting the same result.  But a skilled therapist can show you better ways to get the desired result in your relationship. 

Hopefully you can see how marriage and family counseling might be very beneficial.  Every couple and family has occasional struggles.  Going to a therapist doesn’t mean you are weak or a failure.  Rather, it shows that you recognize the need for change and that you desire some assistance in making that happen.



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Counseling for Marriage

A lot of married couples reach a point in their marriage when they feel as though they are at an impasse. They would try to overcome a serious problem or crisis on their own, and realized over time that perhaps getting marriage counseling for their problems they are experiencing is a better alternative.  And while counseling might not help every marriage, it does help many couples every so often.  For some marriages, it has not only helped, it has kept the couple from ending up in divorce court and separating. 

So, how do you determine if marriage counseling is something you and your spouse should pursue?  You may be thinking that there is no way you want to air your dirty laundry in front of a total stranger, no matter how difficult things are right now.  You may also be feeling that counseling for marriage is far too expensive.  This article will address these two frequent concerns and provide you with some things to consider if you are trying to decide whether to seek professional help for your situation.

I don’t want to talk to a stranger about our problems.

This is a common objection with which many people struggle when the idea of counseling for marriage is being considered.  What you need to realize is that one of the reasons marital therapy can be very helpful is because the therapist, as a stranger, is in a neutral and objective position. 

If you have tried to talk to or seek advice from family or friends, you have probably found that they are too close to the situation to be helpful.  They may have an emotional bias which makes it difficult to keep perspective regarding your situation.  This in turn will color any advice they may try to offer.  In some cases, talking to family members or close friends can make the situation even worse. 

This is one reason why counseling for marriage can be very helpful.  Once you start developing a rapport with the therapist, you will likely appreciate how safe it actually feels to discuss your problems with someone who isn’t going to take sides and who can look at your situation from a fresh perspective. 

Counseling is too expensive.

Therapy does cost money.  You are paying for a highly trained professional to provide a valuable service.  However, you need to consider how much more expensive getting a divorce will be.  For the cost of a divorce, not to mention all the pain and grief that often accompany it, counseling for marriage is usually much less expensive – in fact, often by thousands of dollars.  When you look at it like this you may reconsider the objection that you can’t afford it.  And there may be some options if finances are truly an issue. 

In many cities there are clinics which offer counseling services for a reduced fee either based on income qualifications, or because the therapists are graduate students under supervision.  Also, you don’t necessarily have to go weekly.  You may be able to go every other week, which will make counseling for marriage more affordable for you as you reduce the overall monthly cost by spreading the appointments out a bit. 

Both of these objections to counseling for marriage are very common.  You are not alone if they have crossed your mind.  But if your marriage has reached a crisis point hopefully you will carefully weigh the alternatives if you do not get some help. 





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Marriage in Crisis

You might think it would never happen to you, but suddenly you find your marriage in crisis or jeopardy.  Both of you are fighting a lot, or one of you has been unfaithful, insincere,  or perhaps you have just simply grown distant over the years.  Irrespective of the reason, you may be trying to figure out what options are available.  You may be worried, anxious, scared, angry, hurt or just feeling very alone.  Here are some options if your marriage in crisis feels a bit overwhelming. 

Take some time apart

For some people, when they are experiencing marriage problems, taking some time apart can give them an opportunity to gain much needed perspective.  When you are right in the thick of an emotionally charged situation, you may be too close to things to come up with effective solutions.  A brief separation can be beneficial in order to get your bearings and think through the best way to handle your marriage in crisis. 

Also, during this time apart you can determine if you really want to stay in your marriage or not.  This is a very difficult decision for many people and should not be made without a lot of thought.  Taking time apart can give you the space your need to think it through without the day to day pressures at home which often accompany a marriage in crisis.

Get into therapy

Going to a therapist can be very helpful when a marriage in crisis is turning your life upside down.  Therapy will not only provide you with a safe place to talk openly and freely, it will provide you an opportunity to problem solve with someone who is neutral and objective with regards to your situation. Family and friends may be willing to listen and give advice, but usually they will be biased in one way or the other, and won’t be objective like a therapist. 

Put your cards on the table with your spouse

Often when a marriage has reached a crisis point, one or both partners is unable or unwilling to take the risk of saying what they really want and feel.  Instead you are often both guarded or defensive as you try to navigate your way through what feels like an emotional minefield.  But if one of you takes the risk of truly putting your cards on the table, it may be the catalyst for much needed open conversations.  That being said, it may backfire also, and that is what makes it particularly uncomfortable for most people.  Only you can decide if the risk is worth it, and how you think your partner may respond if you try. 

File for divorce

Another option when experiencing a marriage in crisis is to throw in the towel and file for divorce.  If the crisis has been going on for a long time and shows little hope for resolution, this may be the best option.  Only you can decide if this is the best route for you.  But it definitely should not be done hastily, as the emotional and financial cost of divorce is often very high. 

Determine what changes you can make to improve your marriage

With a marriage in crisis the only person you can change is you.  You can’t change your spouse even though you may feel that is the best solution!  But the person you can change is you.  Marriage problems are rarely, if ever, due to one person.  It takes two to tango and two to create problems.  If you start making some positive changes your spouse will inevitably have to make some changes also.  Your spouse may not change as you would like, but if you make positive changes you can hold your head high knowing that you did, and leave the marriage with more dignity if it still doesn’t work out in the end. 

Only you can decide the best choice for you when a marriage in crisis is taking a toll on your emotional wellbeing.  Consider these options and trust your heart.  And know that many couples do find a way to get back on track.  Hopefully you will too!

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Help for Marriage

Very often when married couples are seeking help on their marriage, it is because of that their marriage is starting to crumble, or rock.  Perhaps, one spouse has been insincere and unfaithful.  Probably also because there has been a significant amount of conflict, often turning into sickening fights.  Other times it may be because you have gradually grown very distant from each other, and you know if something doesn’t change soon, the marriage is going to unravel altogether. 

Luckily, there is help for marriage if you are both willing to make the commitment to work through the problem, no matter what it is.  This can feel impossible at times, particularly if there has been an affair or other type of betrayal.  Hurt feelings can go very deep.  And one of you may be more reluctant to try to work things out if trust has been damaged. 

Many couples do get their marriages back on track, even under pretty challenging circumstances.  Sometimes a crisis can be a much needed wake up call, making one or both of you recognize the necessity of getting help for marriage so you can heal the wounds.  Quite often, if you can get through the process of healing, you will find that you are closer than ever before. 

There are many ways you can show each other that you are truly serious and 100% devoted to making the marriage work.  Following are just a few of the ways you can do this:

Make your marriage your number one priority. 

Careers, children, volunteer work and other family are certainly all very important parts of each of your lives.  But when you have reached a crisis point and need help for marriage, you must first be willing to put your marital relationship above everything else in your life.  

All too often work and children get all your time and energy and there is simply nothing left for the marriage.  Sadly, your children will suffer as a result.  You owe it to them to have a happy, healthy marriage to make them feel secure and to give them good role models.  And, the happier your marriage, the happier home life will be for your children. 

Be open to marriage counseling if needed

Sometimes couples get stuck and simply can’t work it out without some outside help for marriage.  While marital therapy isn’t right for everyone, it is definitely worth trying.  A skilled marriage counselor can help you find ways to communicate better, break unhealthy patterns and develop new ones, and put things in a new perspective. 

If your spouse feels a strong need for the two of you to get counseling, show your commitment by being willing to give it a try.  If you are unwilling to go, that will likely convey that you aren’t truly committed to the marriage after all.  Your spouse may feel resentment, and there will be even more problems in your relationship.

Make a commitment to focus on everything you love and appreciate about each other. 

When you need help for marriage, remember the saying “what you focus on expands”.  This is very true in relationships.  If you focus on your spouse’s faults, you will end up bringing out the worst in him.  If you want to bring out the best in someone, you must frequently show appreciation for the qualities you really value. In turn, your spouse will be more inclined to show those qualities more. 

These are just three ways to show commitment to your marriage.  While there are many more ways, these three will go along way when you need help for marriage.  The more commitment each of you shows, the more motivated you will be to work together on your relationship. 

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Common Marriage Problems

For a lot of married couples, there are common marriage problems which often start to creep into the relationship over time.  In case you are feeling that your marriage isn’t what it should be, or what you thought it would be when you first walked down the aisle, you are not on your own.  Millions of married couples grapple with relationship issues, often feeling that the problems are different and unique to their relationship.  This can lead to feelings of embarrassment and / or loneliness, when it doesn’t need to. 

So let’s take a look at three common marriage problems which many couples find themselves facing.  All of these can start out seeming fairly minor, but if they continue over a long time and aren’t dealt with, they can have a very negative impact on a marriage.

Feeling like you have “fallen out of love” with each other

When you were first dating your spouse, and probably even when you stood in front of your family and friends and said your vows, you felt “head over heels in love” with each other.  For most couples, that giddy feeling doesn’t last over the years.  In fact, for many, once the reality of day to day married life sinks in it starts to fade.  Your lives become one of routine, which is perfectly normal.  The demands of your work or careers, children and mortgages can take up all of your time and energy.  And if you are like some couples, you basically start living like roommates and nothing more.  While that scenario is fairly common, marriage problems like this can eventually lead to an affair or a divorce. 

Taking each other for granted

Another one of the most common marriage problems is that many couples start taking each other for granted.  To some degree, it is human nature to take for granted that which is always there.  But in relationships, this can lead to a slow, simmering resentment for one or both of you.  Everyone longs to feel loved, cherished, and appreciated.  After all, that was a big part of the reason you got married in the first place.  No one feels loved when they are taken for granted.  When it reaches the point of devaluing each other and failing to regard the relationship as sacred or special, it can be very damaging.  Sadly, what often happens is that you don’t even realize just how serious it is until the other person is gone. 

Failure to really talk to each other

Poor communication or the failure to really talk to each other is probably one of the most common marriage problems many couples face.  Learning to communicate well is a skill many people lack.  Others have the skill and may be great communicators in their career, but struggle with communicating with their spouse.  This is particularly true if one or both of you grew up in a home where poor communication was the norm.  You talk superficially but avoid discussing problems or issues as they arise.  Some people just find it easier to avoid any conflict.  Unfortunately, this doesn’t work and in time will take a toll on your relationship if something doesn’t change. 

If you and your spouse are struggling with any one of these common marriage problems, there is hope.  The first step is always acknowledging the problem.  The sooner you recognize the problem and take action though, the better!
 
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Problems with Marriage

In case you are having problems with marriage, trust me, there a lot of us experiencing similar problems out there.  It is typical that you may feel alone as you try to figure out the real issues and find a way to resolve them.  And in many circumstances, that is easier said than done. But it is no way to say it's impossible. 

Many problems with marriage begin with unrealistic expectations on the part of one or both partners.  This is particularly typical of people who get married when they are quite young or have not had previous long-term relationships.  Unrealistic expectations inevitably lead to frustration, and can also lead to anger and disappointment.  Perhaps some of the challenges facing your marriage are due to impossible expectations about the relationship or your partner.  Let’s look at a few unrealistic myths which can lead to problems with marriage…

Hollywood Romance

Hollywood is the great perpetuator of romantic fantasy.  After all, that’s what sells.  Wouldn’t it be great if all marriages were as perfect or as exciting as they are often portrayed on television or in the movies?  After all, doesn’t everyone’s husband leave a trail of rose petals leading to the bedroom, where there are at least 100 candles burning and another 5 dozen rose’s worth of petals strewn on the bed?  (Seriously, where does anyone store that many candles?)

This fantasy idea that it should always be incredibly romantic can create problems with marriage.  The reality is quite different.  This doesn’t mean the romance has to end after “I do”, but it probably isn’t going to be quite as glamorous or extreme as it is in the movies.

Perfect Partner

It can be a brutal wake-up call when you realize one morning that the person you married isn’t as perfect as you thought.  People who get married without really taking the time to know each other are particularly vulnerable to the problems with marriage which arise when they finally see the other person, warts and all, and realize that they have all sorts of flaws and short-comings.  

Most people put their best foot forward in the early stages of a relationship.  And some can hide their faults for quite a long time.  To avoid problems with marriage like this really requires that you take the relationship slowly and don’t put your significant other on a pedestal.  He or she will fall off at some point.  You can bet on it. 

Happily Ever After

Fairy tales are great for kids, but at some point, we have to recognize them for what they are:  fantasy.  While Cinderella and Prince Charming blissfully disappeared into the castle at the end of the story, we never got to see what happened inside those towering walls a few years down the road.  No doubt a glass slipper or two got shattered when one of them was upset! 

Marriage is not always happy and peaceful.  That would be great but it is not reality.  Conflict is going to occur.  You are not going to agree on everything and in fact, you may find that you disagree on several things.  That’s okay, if you are mature enough to recognize and appreciate that you are two separate individuals with different perspectives, values, preferences, needs and feelings.  Once you can accept that, your problems with marriage will be a lot less challenging.

Don’t lose heart if you are experiencing problems with marriage.  Check your expectations to see if perhaps they need to be altered a bit.  Many couples find that by changing their expectations so that they are better aligned with reality, many problems will subside.  If they don’t, then it is time to look deeper.  But most problems can be overcome if both of you are willing to put in the effort.  

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Can one spouse prevent a divorce from happening ?

 
If one person does not want to get a divorce, but one party in the relationship does and it is a no fault divorce, then the spouse cannot stop the divorce.  This is called an irreconcilable difference and is a justification for divorce. 

A spouse can prevent a fault divorce by convincing the court that he or she is not at fault.  This is something that they would have to prove and it is up to the judge to decide.  There are other additional ways to defend a divorce from happening may also be a choice for some situations.

If a person who condones that a spouse is having an affair files for a divorce, the spouse may contest the fault divorce by arguing that the spouse knew of the affair and condoned the action.  This is one way for a person to defend himself or herself in court.

Connivance is the setting up of a situation so that the other person commits something to jeopardize the marriage.  One type of situation to explain is if a women sets up her husband in situation where he is alone with his mistress.  This is known as a set up and it is an argument that one can make in court to defend their actions. 

Provocation is the inciting of a spouse to do a certain act.  If a spouse is suing for divorce and claims that the other spouse abandoned them, the other spouse might defend their suit because they were provoked by the abandonment.  Collusion is if a couple lives in a state where no fault divorce requires that the couple separate for a time and the couple doe not want to prolong the situation.  This may lead the couple to mislead the court and pretend that one of them was at fault just to get out of the marriage. 

These above defenses are not usually used for a few different reasons.  Proving a defense may require witnesses and involve a lot of time and expense.   Your efforts will usually bring nothing to the situation.  Chances are that a court will eventually grant the divorce.  A person should not have to stay married if they do not wish too.  The law is designed to give people the opportunity to get out of the marriage if that is what he or she really wants to do.  If you are involved in a marriage that you don't want to be in any longer, the process can be hard to get through, but you can make a divorce really happen, and put an end to the marriage.

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Save Marriage Advice

For many marriages in a crisis, one of the common patterns that likely contributed to the situation is that of not being able to handle conflict effectively.  And that starts with being able to talk calmly.  When it comes to save marriage advice, following is some excellent advice on how to have difficult conversations with your spouse without damaging your relationship in the process.  Couples who get caught up in yelling, name calling, venting or verbally attacking each other inevitably wind up in divorce court.  Read further for ways to talk to each other without losing control.


Decide up front what you want to accomplish by talking.  Do you just want to allow each person to express feelings?  Do you want to come up with a solution?  It helps to have a goal before you start when it is a difficult topic.

Avoid blame.  Learning to not get caught up in blame is sound save marriage advice regardless of the situation.  Blame accomplishes nothing and is always destructive.  Make steering clear of blame one of the rules for your conversations.

Allow for time outs.  When you are discussing painful or difficult topics, it is inevitable that someone’s is going to feel the need to react at some point.  Rather than staying in the conversation until that happens, be willing to take a time out to cool down.  And be willing to let your spouse do the same thing when needed.  This will prevent the conversation from escalating into a full blown fight in which hurtful things end up being said.  This is also very good save marriage advice to follow when emotions run high.

Don’t get caught up in being “right”.   In many situations, neither person is right or wrong. But if one of you insists on being right, it will quickly turn into a futile conversation.

Allow each other to speak without interrupting.   When you interrupt someone who is talking, you are basically giving the message that what you have to say is far more important than whatever the other person is saying.  A lot of people have this bad habit when they talk.  And it is very disrespectful.  It is very good save marriage advice to work towards really allowing each other to speak and be heard.  Catch yourself when you start to interrupt.  With practice, this is a bad habit both of you can break.

Accept that you won’t always agree on everything.  This is definitely very wise save marriage advice! No two people in the world, no matter how much they love each other, are always going to agree.  The sooner you can accept that in your marriage, the better all your conversations will be, especially the difficult ones.  Also, it will show a lot of respect to your partner if you allow him or her to have an opinion that is different to yours.  That is part of recognizing that he is a separate person with his own unique perspective.

The last piece of good save marriage advice for having difficult conversations is to avoid all-or-nothing types of statements.  When you start using extreme words such as “never” or “always” you are just getting yourself into hot water.  Catch yourself when you use one of the words and revise the statement.  You will save both yourself and your spouse a lot of grief when you remember that there is a lot in between those two extremes.

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Stop Divorce

The odds are one out of two that your marriage will end up in a divorce.  At least, that is what the statistics say.  But statistics do not have to determine whether or not divorce happens to you.  Deep down, many people really prefer to stop divorce from happening to their marriage.  Before you file for divorce you may want to ask yourself some tough questions to determine if a plan to stop divorce is a much better alternative.

Hear what America's Top Marriage Counselor says 

Do I really want to walk away from this marriage? Save your marriage .

This first question may seem rather obvious on the surface, but not everyone truly takes the time to search their soul before signing divorce papers.  If there has been a lot of anger or other strong emotions present in the marriage, it can cloud your thinking and lead you to make decisions that aren’t always in your best interest.  If you want to stop divorce, you must set your emotions aside, at least temporarily, and try to gain some perspective on the situation.  Often, if a couple can address the issue underlying the emotional pain, the healing of the relationship can begin.   

What will I lose if I divorce my spouse?

If your marriage has been in crisis for a long time and you are considering divorce, you likely have thought more about how much better off you will be by getting out of the marriage.  Unfortunately, many people don’t realize what they had until it is gone.  Rather than thinking how much better it may be, think long and hard about what you will lose if you divorce your spouse. 

Most likely there was a lot of good in your marriage.  We tend to forget the good times when we are upset, angry, bitter, resentful, or hurt.  Those emotions cloud everything and blind us to all the good things we have in our life.  Try to set aside all the negative things which you are sure you won’t miss, and make a list of all the good things you will lose if you don’t stop divorce from happening.  You might be surprised at the answers you come up with. 

How will this affect our children?

If you have children, you really want to think very carefully about the impact a divorce will have on them.  Children often blame themselves when their parents split up.  Also, it can significantly disrupt their overall sense of security.  And if you are planning to share custody or allow weekend visits, consider the toll that that sort of arrangement will take on your children.  To stop divorce may be the best thing you can do for them.


What is this going to cost me in terms of finances, friendship and family?
Another very serious question you need to ask yourself before you pursue a divorce is what is the real cost?  Many people don’t really know how much they stand to lose until the divorce is final.  While financial cost is certainly a factor, the true losses are usually much more painful.  You may lose relationships with family members, particularly those of your spouse. 

You may also lose friendships.  Many people that are currently in your life as a couple may feel the need to choose sides if you don’t stop divorce.  If they were initially your spouse’s friends (or family members), chances are they will cool their relationship with you if you go through with the divorce. 

Those are just a few of the tough questions you really need to think through before proceeding with a divorce.  While divorce may seem like the only solution at the moment, as you answer those questions you may decide that to stop divorce and work on healing your marriage is a far better solution to whatever marital challenges you and your spouse are facing. 

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Save Your Marriage

Stop Your Divorce

When married couples find themselves in a relationship crisis, the possibility of divorce often starts coming up more and more frequently.  Certainly divorce will give you the freedom to go your separate ways and be done with the conflict.  But if you truly desire to stop your divorce, there are several strategies you can begin implementing right now which may turn your relationship around.  In fact, your spouse will never know what hit him!
 
Granted, these strategies take a little work.  And most of the work, if you want to stop your divorce, is yours to do.  Don’t put the onus on your spouse to change.  In fact, if you try following these strategies, your spouse will likely be surprised and start changing in response to you.  Keep in mind, that these will feel very counter-intuitive to you initially.  They will likely be the very opposite of how you have been behaving.  So be prepared to try on some new behaviors which will help you stop your divorce in its tracks!

The first thing you need to do is stop complaining about or criticizing anything about your spouse or your marriage.  Every time you engage in that sort of behavior, you just push your spouse further away and give him more reason to want to go through with the divorce.  So, work hard to catch yourself when you want to make a critical or negative remark if your goal is to stop your divorce.   

Instead, take an unusually agreeable stance.  If your spouse makes a critical comment or complains, agree with him.  For example, if he says something like, “all we ever do is fight”, rather than try to convince him that that isn’t true, (and thus be letting him know how wrong he is) agrees with it.  You might say (and you must be sincere), “you are right….we do fight a lot.”  And once you have agreed, drop it.  Don’t say anything else.  Don’t give in to your urge to defend yourself or the marriage.  Just agree. 

Second, don’t pressure your spouse in any way.  When people are having marriage problems, it is not uncommon for one spouse to be pressuring the other to make changes.  If you want to stop your divorce, this is a huge mistake.

Whenever you pressure someone, you not only put them on the defense, you trigger their resistance.  No one likes to feel pressured, so the natural tendency is to resist it.  Stop yourself whenever you feel the urge to pressure your spouse to work on the marriage, make changes, etc. 

Third, avoid having serious conversations.  Those can do more harm than good in a fragile relationship.  The reasons they can be so damaging is because they create undue pressure in the relationship.  Again, pressure will backfire if your goal is to stop your divorce. 

Last, keep things light hearted, casual, and upbeat.  In other words, cliché as this may sound, “go with the flow”.  So many problems arise when we try to fight against a situation.  By allowing it and no longer fighting it, it frees up the resistance and will often lead to things turning themselves around.  And it takes far less energy to go with the flow than against it. 

Practice doing these things and you will be much more likely to stop your divorce. Keep in mind, you must do them consistently.  If you slip back into old habits of criticizing, pressuring or complaining, you will just shift things back to where they were.  But keep doing these, and it will give your marriage the best chance of working out after all. 


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Saving a Marriage

Many couples go through very challenging periods of time when they start wondering what can be done with regards to saving a marriage.  Perhaps that is happening to you and you are desperately looking for some advice.  While there are no simple answers, and each situation and marriage is different, following are some two things you can consider changing if your marriage is in crisis.  While they might seem simplistic on the surface, even small changes can make a big difference when it comes to saving a marriage. 

Not showing appreciation for your spouse

Sometimes we get so caught up in the busy-ness of our day to day lives that we forget to appreciate the things which are really important to us.  This happens frequently in marriages, especially when two people have been together a long time.  One or both people in the marriage fail to recognize just how lucky they really are to have each other until one ends up leaving or a tragedy happens.  Sadly, saving a marriage at that point is going to be much more difficult than if this problem is detected and dealt with early on. 

Take some time to consider whether or not you are doing this in your marriage.  We all long to feel important, valued, and loved.  A healthy marriage meets those needs to a significant degree.  But if you take your spouse for granted and fail to acknowledge all the wonderful things he or she does, then this may be a contributing factor to your current crisis.  Start paying attention to all the things your spouse does for you, as well as all his or her wonderful qualities.  Show gratitude and appreciation.  Doing this can go a long way towards saving a marriage which is on the brink of falling apart. 

Failing to communicate

All relationships require quality communication in order to be healthy or to get back on track when there is a crisis.  Many couples fail to really talk openly to each other.  Women often make the mistake of presuming their husband can read their mind.  Men often try to avoid challenging conversations which feel uncomfortable for them.  Over time, a lot of issues which need to be dealt with get swept under the rug but start to fester. 

If saving a marriage is truly important to you, it is imperative that you start working on your communication skills with your spouse first.  If you grew up in a home in which your parents didn’t really talk to each other, this may be particularly difficult for you.  But you can start by being the one to initiate more frequent and open conversations.  With practice and effort, you and your spouse can become much more skilled communicators. 

Sometimes in order for communication to go smoothly, you need to set some ground rules.  For example, a good ground rule is that either of you can indicate  when you need a “time out”.  Sometimes a discussion can start to get heated and if one of you feels you might say something you will regret, this is the perfect time to step away from the conversation for a short while.  You can resume talking later when both of you are calmer. 

Showing appreciation and learning to communicate well are two significant steps towards saving a marriage which is struggling or in a crisis.  Make the changes in yourself first.  This will show your spouse how much you truly care and how important he or she is to you. 


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Save Marriage Tips

If you are having difficulty in your marriage, then you are probably desperately looking some helpful save marriage tips before things get any worse.  Many marriages can be saved, but you need to be willing to look at ways in which you may be contributing to the problems. After all, the only person over whom you have any control in the relationship is you. 

Following are three save marriage tips to consider if your marriage is starting to fall apart.  

Don’t always put the children first

Many couples, and women in particular, believe that once they have children, the children should come first and foremost.  While this is true to some degree, as children are a gift and should be treated as such, you need to be careful to not put them above your marriage. In other words, your spouse needs to be your highest priority. 

You may think this first of three save marriage tips is unreasonable.  After all, good parents put their children above all else, right?  Wrong.  When children take a much higher priority than the relationship and the marriage suffers, then the children suffer also.  And in some cases, they suffer tremendously.  One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is the chance to grow up in a truly happy home.  And the core of a happy home is a loving, healthy marriage. 

Providing this for your children will help their self esteem, their emotional wellbeing, and their sense of security.  Love and cherish your children, but do the same for you spouse and keep him or her a priority in your life.  This is invaluable when it comes to save marriage tips.

Don’t become a workaholic

Career demands can be intense.  And at times they can be overwhelming and take up far more time than you like.  But if you put all your time and energy into your job and leave nothing for your spouse, your marriage is going to be in trouble as a result. 

Men are particularly guilty of this, especially if they are the primary breadwinner in the family.  But with more and more women assuming that role, or at least having high-powered, demanding careers themselves, the problem can go either way.  Making sure you don’t become a workaholic is one of the most important save marriage tips there is.  Lots of couples end up divorcing because one spouse feels the other is married to his or her job.  Over time that will take a severe toll. 

Pay close attention to your spouse’s needs

The last of the three save marriage tips is to make sure you are taking care of your spouse’s needs.  One of the goals of marriage is to meet each other’s needs in many areas, at least to a significant degree.  Your spouse’s intimacy and sexual needs, as well as his or her need to feel significant and needed are important needs for you to meet. 

It’s so easy for two people to get so busy (with work and kids as discussed above) that their spouse gets neglected in the process.  Your spouse may slowly come to resent you.  Even worse, he or she may look to find someone else to meet those needs.  You must pay attention, and talk to your partner.  The more you each discuss your personal needs with each other, the more readily you can fulfill them. 

While the list of save marriage tips could go on and on, these are three particularly important ones which can help any couple.  If you truly want to save your marriage, then consider if any of the above are the underlying issue.  

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Save Our Marriage

Married couples often go through a period of time when they think the relationship may be starting to unravel.  If you and your spouse are in this situation, you are probably looking for solutions to the common question, “how can I save our marriage?”.  While every couple is different, there are some key things which are practically universal when it comes to keeping a marriage together.

If you are worried about your relationship and wondering to yourself, “how can I save our marriage?”, then please keep reading.  This article will help you to understand 4 basic needs that should be met, at least to a significant degree, in a marriage.  If your marriage is in trouble, then at least one or more of these needs is not being met.  Work on these if you long to answer the question of “what can I do to save our marriage”.

The need to be loved

Everyone has the basic human need for love.  Without it, life is empty and lonely.  For many people, just knowing they are loved and cherished by one key person, often a spouse, but it could also be a friend or family member, is incredibly empowering.  Being loved can give strength, inspiration, and purpose.  It is imperative when it comes to knowing how you can “save our marriage” that you truly show your spouse that he or she is loved.

The need to feel significant

In a world with over 6 billion people, it is pretty easy to feel insignificant.  When two people get married, there is often an amazing sense of being truly significant and special to one another.  Like love, this feeling of significance can be energizing and empowering.  Feeling significant gives a person a sense of specialness.  Even if no one else notices, you know that your spouse knows how special and unique you are.  If “how can I save our marriage” is your concern, then you need to ask yourself if you are treating your spouse as someone who is truly significant to you.  Are you meeting that need?

The need for intimacy

We all have a deep need and longing for intimacy.  Marriage is a sacred place for both physical and emotional intimacy to be shared between you and your spouse.  When you are intimate, you shut out the rest of the world and share a closeness and bond that is very powerful.  Intimacy is that sense of connection which we all long for.  If you hope to “save our marriage”, then you must allow that vulnerability with your spouse that is part of true intimacy.  If either of you are guarded, or refuses to let the other person in, then this need cannot be fully met.

The need to be your authentic self

Unfortunately we live in a world in which we often feel we must put on a façade or persona.  This is particularly true in our work but may also be true in many other areas of our life.  Few people are secure enough to fully be themselves with others.  But the one place which should be safe to be authentic is a marriage.  As with intimacy, if one or both of you feel you must be guarded, and can’t truly be yourself, it will hinder your relationship in many ways.

The strongest and healthiest marriages are those in which both people can be truly authentic with each other.  In order for you to find the best way to “save our marriage”, you must find a way to eliminate any barriers in your relationship which inhibit either of you from truly being yourself with the other.

When these four basic human needs are being met within your marriage, you will no longer need to wonder “how can I save our marriage”.  Your marriage will thrive and be stronger than ever.

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Saving Your Marriage

If the primary concern going through your head these days is “what am I going to do about saving my marriage”, you are definitely not alone.  At any given time thousands of couples are struggling with marital difficulties.  Many are in a full blown marital crisis or have already given up and filed for divorce.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  Allow me to share with you some steps I took to get my marriage back on track when, like you, all I could think about was saving my marriage. 

Change expectations

When my marriage was falling apart I had to realize that if saving my marriage was truly important to me, then perhaps I needed to start by changing my expectations.  I was young and naïve when I got married.  I had all sorts of unrealistic expectations about marriage which were creating problems.  Following were a few of them which I had to change:

•    A good marriage should never have conflict
•    My spouse should know me so well that I don’t need to say out loud what I’m feeling inside – if I’m upset, he should just know why
•    There should always be lots of romance and excitement in our marriage

I wish I could say that is the entire list, but for the moment I will just share those.  As you can see, I had expectations which were impossible for even the best marriage to live up to.

Be a giver not a taker

Another area which I really needed to change for the sake of saving my marriage was to stop always being a taker.  While I didn’t mean to be, I began to realize that I was often very selfish in the relationship.  I expected my spouse to give and give, but I wasn’t really giving much in return.  I had to really step back and recognize that I couldn’t take my spouse for granted; that I needed to let go of my self-centered tendencies and start looking for ways to be much more giving to my spouse. 

Build up my spouse’s self-esteem

One of the areas I had really let my spouse down was by not truly building up her self-esteem.  I had just naively assumed that she never needed that from me.  She had so many wonderful qualities.  I rarely said or did anything affirming, because I thought she didn’t need it from me.  Needless to say, when I really started focusing on saving my marriage, building up her self-esteem became a top priority. 

Be supportive

One of the key areas I really needed to focus on with regards to saving my marriage was to be much more supportive of my spouse.  I had foolishly taken her strengths and self-confidence for granted.  I didn’t realize just how much she longed for my support, comfort and reassurance

Saving my marriage became a high priority for me.  As I worked on each of these three areas I found that my spouse was responding by giving me more of the same in return.  I had been neglecting my marriage for a long time.  Hopefully, you will stop neglecting yours and begin taking some powerful steps.  For me, it took time and effort, but it was well worth it.  I hope it is for you also! 

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